Gosh it's been awhile!

In my effort to focus on positive things, I temporarily stopped posting.  You know, it's hard to rehash the bad things.  I end up feeling sorry for myself which, although cathartic and therapeutic, and  is a HUGE downer.  SO, onward and upward I say!

Things have been... okay.  There have been some huge fights, some huge disappointments, lots of meetings and emails to the attorney, and still nothing concrete has happened.  I suppose I should be happy to stay in this house while this process goes on and on, but I'm just eager to try to move out and move on.  I'd like to have some freedom and not share my home with him--- not that he's ever really home.

But the message today is focus on the positive.  I am finally feeling a small sense of freedom.  My friends and family have been so supportive and just wonderful.  I feel very loved and the kids are doing well with everything.  So there is all of that.  I've been looking forward to a new home and a new life.  The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem to be the oncoming train after all.  We're all going to be okay and be stronger for this!

I'm so tired of writing about the stress

Although writing everything down helps volumes, sometimes I feel if I write it down it's more official, more real and therefore is even more of a weight bearing down on me.  Today was the second day of angry emails back and forth from my office and I feel like it consumes me.  It's very blackening and I have a job where I should be filled with sunshine and butterflies at all times (receptionist).  That must stop.  I must not continue with the emails.  They are threatening in ways--- not physically.  The big one today was threatening to allow the house to go into foreclosure rather than continue to pay the mortgage.  I could go on and on but basically he got to me and upset me because we have the house for the children and losing it like that would be awful for them.

Ugh!  I've been saying that a lot lately.  I swear I'm not down all the time, just when I think about the looming divorce and not knowing how life will be on my own.

Reflections: Life is Hard

Little House on the Hill, Paul Corfield

The sooner we accept that life is hard, the better off we all will be and the faster we can move forward.  I am so ready to cut the hard stuff right out of my life.  Everyday is hard stuff which is kind of ridiculous.  More bad than good and it's starting to take over.  How do we tip the scales in the other direction?

I'm a pretty upbeat person and having to talk about it is such a downer.  I was discussing things with Step-Dad and he was not really listening but more telling me what I should be doing.  I should be trying to keep the house (uh, hello? I can't afford it on my own?  It's too big to maintain on my own?), he says.  I don't want to keep the house.  I want to cut everything having to do with our life together out because that life doesn't exist anymore. 

Living Single?

My biggest worry right now is my living situation.  We have to sell the house.  Right now we both technically live here, although he comes home maybe twice a week to shower and occasionally wash clothes.  Maybe he sleeps here one night a week.  He's been sleeping on the couch for over a year so this part has very little effect on me.  I prefer him not to be here because he is very disruptive.  Suddenly there are dirty socks and smelly smokey clothing and wet towels all over the place. 

Anyway, I have never lived alone and I'm kinda excited about it.  Technically, I won't be alone because of the kids, but I've never been the only adult.  I got married at 19 to my first husband.  When he and I separated, I moved in with the padres for awhile until I got a job and could afford to buy a house.  By then I had already met husband #2 so when I bought the house, we moved in together. 

I'm excited and terrified.  The housing market sucks and what if we don't make any money on the house?  What if I can't afford some place in a good neighborhood?  So many things to worry about!

Thoughts Before Dawn: Reasons Why

It's six AM on a Sunday.  I love getting up early during the week and spending an hour "waking up."  I flip open my laptop and turn on the morning news and kind of catch up on what happened in the world while I was sleeping.  I have a cup of coffee, curled up in my PJ's and enjoy the soft quiet of dawn.  It used to be, when the kids were little, that this time of day was the only time the house was quiet.  On the weekends I'd like to catch up on a little sleep, but usually I pop awake by 6AM (I get up earlier than that during the week so this is actually sleeping in, but digress).  So here it is: 6AM on a Sunday. 

Today is a new day.  I let myself get down yesterday, but today is a new day.  The children are scattering today to different places and I think I'll have a rare few hours to myself.  This morning I've got to do a little cleaning.  Yesterday I accomplished nothing at all.  Today will be busy playing catch up.

When I woke up this morning he wasn't home.  This is totally expected now.  He does not come home.  I don't want him here so this is fine by me, but I struggle to wrap my head around a father with no sense of responsibility.  Sometimes I think I would benefit from some counseling but I feel like I have a pretty solid grasp of what my own issues are.  I would want a psychologist to explain what is going on with him.  Having a reason why might help everyone.  I think I'm just going to have to make peace with the fact that there may never be a why.

Anger and Frustration - It's a bad day

The more that I think about all of the things that need to get done, the more depressed I get about everything.  What should I have done today?  Packed and cleaned.  But what did I do today?  Nothing productive.  So many angry thoughts that need to be worked through and let go of before I can get back to work.  Like why am I spending every waking moment preparing to put the house on the market when he isn't here doing anything?  I'm balancing a full-time job (which BTW takes me away from the home more hours than his does for less money), managing the kids and their social schedule, doing all the household shopping and managing the bills and day-to-day cleaning/errands that need doing and yet I am still cleaning up his crap in my spare time.

See?  So much anger!  Maybe not so much anger as it is frustration.  I just want to shake him and say pitch in for a few weeks/months and then you won't have to deal with us again.  Just do these few things.  Pretty please? 

My neighbor brought over a catalog for a home show she is doing.  I didn't have the heart to say that I really didn't need anything right now because I already think I should downsize every room in the house by half.  Do I need another hurricane lamp or candelabra or serving tray?  No.  But I didn't have the energy to go into that we were getting divorced and (hopefully!) moving soon.  

Limbo - and not in a lame party game kinda way

Things are happening, but nothing is happening fast enough for me.  Once the decision was made to divorce, I thought things would move faster.  We were calm and talked through all the details.  We set goals of when certain projects would be completed so that we could sell the house.  I looked at places to live and dreamed of starting over and being free.  And then... nothing.  The two big projects that were his job haven't even been thought about and we are going on two months since we made the decision.  It's now holding up my projects and keeping me from working with a realtor and it's just not.moving.fast.enough.  I've cleaned out closets, purged so much miscellaneous stuff, and prepped the kids.  We're all ready but for some reason he's stalling.

I don't know why.  It's not like he wants to stay married.  In fact, I would say he gave up on our marriage, and the idea of a family, shortly before our family vacation in the spring.  Why else would he be out every night of the week?

I came to the realization that he just is not the type of person that can handle having so many people dependent on him.  It is just too much pressure and he can't deal.  His knee-jerk reaction is to abandon and run when things get tough and frankly, we need someone who sticks around through the tough times.  Lately he has missed all the times and has basically left us.  In fact, were it not for his paying the house payment and storing some clothing in the garage, he has left us.

This is the story of one girl trying to rebuild her life, one step at a time, one day at a time.