Sunday, August 29, 2010

Thoughts Before Dawn: Reasons Why

It's six AM on a Sunday.  I love getting up early during the week and spending an hour "waking up."  I flip open my laptop and turn on the morning news and kind of catch up on what happened in the world while I was sleeping.  I have a cup of coffee, curled up in my PJ's and enjoy the soft quiet of dawn.  It used to be, when the kids were little, that this time of day was the only time the house was quiet.  On the weekends I'd like to catch up on a little sleep, but usually I pop awake by 6AM (I get up earlier than that during the week so this is actually sleeping in, but digress).  So here it is: 6AM on a Sunday. 

Today is a new day.  I let myself get down yesterday, but today is a new day.  The children are scattering today to different places and I think I'll have a rare few hours to myself.  This morning I've got to do a little cleaning.  Yesterday I accomplished nothing at all.  Today will be busy playing catch up.

When I woke up this morning he wasn't home.  This is totally expected now.  He does not come home.  I don't want him here so this is fine by me, but I struggle to wrap my head around a father with no sense of responsibility.  Sometimes I think I would benefit from some counseling but I feel like I have a pretty solid grasp of what my own issues are.  I would want a psychologist to explain what is going on with him.  Having a reason why might help everyone.  I think I'm just going to have to make peace with the fact that there may never be a why.

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